Haiku Poem : By Cathy Tenzo

she’s lost track

so many applications

still no job

This poem was written by Cathy Tenzo and was first published on Cathy Tenzo's blog  Haiku Plate Special.  It is republished here with her kind permission.  Through 2013, Cathy is writing a daily Haiku poem at: http://haikuplatespecial.wordpress.com/

Photo credit source: flickr

More Mutual Obligations With Monsieur

Du gouvernement australien, Guide du droit à la sécurité sociale

"Obligation mutuelle n'est pas un terme législatif. Il se réfère au principe général qu'il est juste et raisonnable de s'attendre chômeurs bénéficiant d'un soutien du revenu pour faire de leur mieux pour trouver du travail, entreprendre des activités qui permettront d'améliorer leurs compétences et d'accroître leurs perspectives d'emploi et, dans certains cas, apporter quelque chose à leur communauté en échange de ce soutien du revenu." 

 

Oh the poetry of mutual obligation requirements in French. Here's a link to the Australian version (but it's same old, same old).  I like it better in French. Maybe it's just a personal thing. Maybe it's the foreign genes in me? Maybe it's the HRT? Maybe I just don't get out enough? How embarrassment for une femme d'âge moyen!

And so as night becomes day, when Monsieur returned to instruct our "unemployables" job search activity class last week, I was one happy mutually obliged welfare recipient. 

A background to Monsieur and how he fits into the scheme of things,  in my mutual obligation activities, can be found in an earlier post.

Initially, as a mature jobseeker, I would've preferred doublestrength route canal therapy, in place of attending a 2 day mutual obligation session aimed at telling unemployed no-gooders, how to suck eggs (so to speak). But alas, when this speciman appeared, opened his mouth and spoke in that accent - I silently thanked DEEWR for their excellent recruitment choice and social security services delivery programs.

So there we were the other day - with only one person present who was keen to abscond at the first opportunity. She obviously wasn't impressed with being there let alone with Monsieur. Pourquoi si misérable?  He's such a cutie pie, I wanted to say to her. And we were going to get salad baguettes at the end of the class! And what's not to like? It's better than watching TVSN?! at home in your pyjamas!

And as we took turns going around the table introducing ourselves to the group, Madame Absconder said outright that: she shouldn't be there and wasn't into groups! Ok steady. Maintain poker face alert.

Next, we were asked to take turns reading notes, out loud - from our Time Management activity sheets. When it was Madame Absconder's turn to read, she stood up, repeated her "group issue" thing and fled. Fair enough. I was once like Madame Absconder. No more. Not when the group activity is with Monsieur. 

Nothing more to say really.

Au revoir les enfants.


RELATED

Being told how to suck eggs est tres bon: when told in a French accent

Photo credit source: flickr

Fifty Shades of Bouris

Readers of earlier posts will know that I adore a well polished boardroom table.

 

Amazingly, attending countless job interviews (at numerous boardroom tables) and associated Spanish inquisitions on the good, bad, and ugly of me -  has not thwarted this workplace fetish.  

As an unemployed hausfrau, I have a new appreciation for the time others devote to keeping up appearances, with the lavish application of Marveer and elbow grease.

 
But it hasn’t always been that way.
 
Not so long ago

Some years back, a past role (yes I was once an actual employee!) required me to participate at “executive boardroom meetings”.

Thank goodness this was only when my sidekick/superior was off on an interstate or overseas junket (aka conference, training, buying jaunt - whatevs).

This superior was a buxom, jolly and emotionally robust woman of the old school. She knew how to: talk the walk?

 
The human condition

Unschooled in boardroom dynamics - when called at a moment’s notice to “fill in” and promote our department’s quarterly outcomes (and justify our existence on the payroll), I became a boardroom phobic - on steroids. As one does.

On a good day, not even the most chocolate infused cup-cakes, could entice me to chin-wag with those boardroom Witches of Eastwick.  And so – my few opportunities to “talk the walk” and shine among the organisation’s power brokers ended in severely underwhelming, non-events (and tears before bed-time).

 

Where were you then Mr Bouris?!

 

The treatment

I dreaded “Minties moments” like those.  Can you believe, that an expert (clinical?) psychologist once seriously advised me to hand out Minties in such situations?!  In return, Dr Minty got her $180 hourly rate.  And good for her! (I was glad to be good for someone or something).

But - what help were Minties? ... as emotional support when rubbing shoulders with seasoned organisational game-players!

For on a good day “at the office” these “colleagues” would routinely ignore me, when on their daily walkies to the mohagony top floor - they practically tripped over me  (as I sat toiling away at my ergonomical aisle desk).

Boardroom party time

So there we all were, seated at the/my last supper.

Assorted esteemed superiors, would beam - shoulder to shoulder - with the confidence that evolves from having your own office, corporate expense account, allocated in-house car-space, shiny company car, and career haute couture. 

And there I sat - trembling - without even a Minty (or Valium please nurse!) in my pocket. 

Ben Mendelsohn nails the high anxiety I felt, in the latest  beyondblue  offering. 

Without sound, and  seeing Ben sitting comfortably in a leather wingback chair, I can easily imagine he's discussing the merits of a good cigar, port wine and cheese. Sound on – and I'm transported to those anxious times in seconds.

And then there was Bouris

Fast track to now, and on our televisions we have a weekly boardroom scenario – served up deliciously by Mr Bouris on Celebrity Apprentice.  Now this is therapy for an anxious, displaced boardroom-scenario-avoider.

 

Poetry opportunity

If I could write a Haiku about Bouris I would.  If someone else can – please forward via the 50 Shades contact page.

Meantime, many TV connoisseurs describe Celebrity Apprentice as “crap”.   However,  for someone who’s challenged these days to get her dainty foot back into a boardroom (office cubicle, “hot-desk”, bathroom, whatevs) as a paid employee - the show is pure Fantasy Island, workplace training, and a little bit of therapy, rolled into one.

Putting aside assorted celebrities (and abundant false-eyelashes and sequins) the program reveals key insights on savvy, shifty, and sh*tty ways to “project manage” and navigate both fabulous and feral workplace dynamics.  

And all of this - from the domestic comfort of one’s unemployed disposition and cosy couch. How cheap! You don’t even have to invest in a myki card!  With Bouris as Ship Captain,  it’s a win win situation.

 

And there’s the Dawn

Another beacon in the program is Dawn Fraser. This amazing woman displays the innate wisdom, integrity, and chutzpah of your typical life-travelled, mature-age (take me as I am) employee, leader, role model.

No amount of trailing hair extensions, blow-dried tresses, and doublestrength eye-liner, can make her co-team player/celebrities look and perform as impressively as Dawn.

And Bouris

Then there's Captain Bouris  in the boardroom - part Greek God, part protagonist, part cashed-up office b*tch.  One minute you think Roxy will be asked to leave, next Bouris turns and gives cutie pie Roxy the old ok (and twinkle of the eye). More Bex please!

We the viewers know this unexpected reprieve is Master B's clever strategy to see what untold, perfect storm damage, Roxy can bring to next week’s program.

We know that Master Bouris sees through the skinny blonde antics, and the fluttering eyelids. Will he or won’t he make that Barbie Doll cry?  And – I missed that last episode!  Will there be an encore screening?? There better be!

But Roxy is Roxy - beautiful, young and blonde.  Just like Mary Tyler Moore, she will survive; she's gonna make it after all.  Which reminds me of another issue - about hair colour - for another time. 

A word to the sponsor

Now Mr Bouris - if that receptionista you have there gets eaten by a demon possessed, bulimic contestant (for your information, and as a recruitment just in case) please kindly check out my CV snapshot, herein:

I'm not blonde, but I am legally brunette, and I'm - 

1. uber unemployed (equals poor and uber available),
2. un bibliothecaire intelligent (aka un bon typiste)
3. with passable Excel spreadsheet skills,
4. passionate about service with a smile,
5. and, I pay taxes!

If you want to hire me, meet me in the boardroom and then fire me (who cares at this stage) you know where to find me.

Losers lament

Apologies to June Dally-Watkins

I have an issue to nip in the bud. I know it's only early days since the announcement of the winners. I know I should bite my tongue, take it like a June Dally-Watkins Deportment School graduate - and be a graceful loser. But .... it's time. Time to purge. Time to cry out, and ask the moon: "Why moon? Why didn't I score a place in that well known blog competition?"

 

A simple dream

After my dog had kindly nominated me (via her personal gmail account) and I was sent that nominee "badge" to pin on my blog, I started to dream a little. Even to the point of selecting the outfit I'd be wearing when (as a competition contender) Channel 7 would call asking me to do an "at home" segment on Today Tonight - just like Reservoir Dad (pre-competition).

I even thought about having the carpets steam cleaned, after seeing how sparkling fabulous Reservoir Daddy’s abode looked on the telly. And then he wins? And now - both Reservoir and the blogosphere are his oyster.

I wanted a piece of that juicy oyster. And that's not all Reservoir daddy gets! He now has an agent and management team to run his blogging conglomerate. Soon there will be suspicious product placement on the blog, and the insidious cash for compliments. Before long, he'll be heading for the highs, lows and highs of domestic crafts icon Martha Stewart.

Actually - Martha's website is rather wonderful. I first went there looking for ways to exterminate mice, and what I found was better - a great Mother's Day cocktail - the Pimm's Cup. I digress ..... but here's the link. Mothers you will love it.

 

The A list

Getting back to the competition, the writing for me was literally on the wall, when the finalists were announced. From the 1,100 or more that entered, I could see my little under-blog was doomed as a non-event. Of the 340 entries in the personal/parenting category, the chosen five were either mummy bloggers or (the aforementioned) standalone, daddy blogger.

They were all deserving winners, who wrote unique and vivid blog posts. But once I saw the list, I wondered how on earth could I - one single, desperate, dateless, childless, under-dog, unemployed bloggess – ever compete with that cup-cake baking bunch!

Tara and the chocolate hoard

Tara Moss was the blogger finalist who drove me to break into the bulk purchased Aldi chocolate. For how could I compete with Tara? She was/is everywhere!

There's her website, the brilliant best selling crime novels, the television appearances. And of course, the portrait of Tara entered in the 2013 Archibald Prize, and its subsequent Packing Room Prize win.

When I pop across to the local Westfield, there she is again - gracing the walls of the Jacqui E boutique; modelling the Jacqui E clothes. As I sort through the racks, I feel her eyes follow me around the store. She watches me as I quickly exit, and decamp to Big W.

 

Other winners

In 1955, my mother won first prize in artificial flower making at the Royal Melbourne Show. In 1941, my Aunt Shirley won Dux of the School at Sandringham High. I was hopeful of following the tradition, as Great Aunt Carmen - winner of a blog competition.

 

The lament

Ok. So it's just another case of "tough t*tties" for me. I will survive. The dog still licks my face. Chocolate will always be available. Competitions are what they are (whatever that is). And, as Bette Davis said to Paul Henreid in Now Voyager: "Don't ask for the moon - when we have the stars."





                                            source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12392252@N03/2307330590/

 Photo, top of post, source: flickr

 

 

By Andrea Drugay

While I’m fortunate to say I’m currently working, as a freelancer, I know what it’s like to hunt for work. When companies aren’t hiring, contacts are holding out, and income has stalled, well-meaning friends and loved ones sometimes put etiquette in the corner when trying to “help you out.” But more often than not, the well-meaning reactions and responses to “I’m out of work,” fall neatly into the bin labeled Crass, Clueless, and/or Just Plain Obnoxious.

First, there are a few things to understand. When hearing a friend or loved one utter those four dreaded words (alternatively known as, “I’m looking for work,” “I got laid off,” or “The band broke up.”), recognize that:

• Your unemployed friend already knows they have to treat job hunting like a full-time job.
• They know they need to network “more.”
• They know they need to tweak their resume(s) and write customized cover letters for each application.
• They know they should apply to headhunters, Monster.com, career coaches, etc.
• They have thought about going back to school or taking continuing ed classes.
• And more importantly, they are very likely sick to death of thinking about finding work!

Here, then, is a short guide to chatting with unemployed people. It’s intended to help employed folks (like you) avoid embarrassing yourselves in front of such citizens, and, moreover, to help you avoid embarrassing, annoying, or angering them with crass, clueless, and/or just plain obnoxious comments. In contrast, you can then shine in your ability to respond to the dreaded four words with grace, compassion, and cluefulness. Yes, I made up that word.

10 Things Not to Say to an Unemployed Person

 

 

1. “Oh, you poor thing.”

Condescension does not usually engender kindness in response. Your friend is a grown-up, not a kitten that got stepped on.

2. “That’s awesome! You don’t have to work!”

Best to leave it to your unemployed friend to decide whether it’s awesome or not.

3. ”It would suck not to have health insurance.”

NO KIDDING.

4. “But don’t you have money from your stock options / dead grandfather /

ex-husband / etc.?”

Unless you are your friend’s personal financial advisor and you work on a retainer, it is best never to make assumptions or ask questions like this about anyone’s financial situation (this also applies to employed friends, retired friends, etc.). You might think they have a lot of money on the side, but they also might have student loans, medical bills they don’t want to tell you about, or $100k in debt to the mob. Plus, it’s just really rude.

5. “Well, do you have to work?”

See #4, above. Also, unless you are explicitly offering sugar daddy/mama services, it is best to trust that when your friend says they’re looking for work, they mean it. It’s not up to you to care about their reasons why.

6. “What about blogging?”

Often asked by (and I hesitate to sound snotty here, but it’s really true) people who don’t actually know the difference between the unemployed person’s website, blog, Twitter feed, and Facebook status updates. What about blogging. Ultimately, it’s not really a question, but a philosophical musing better uttered as a statement instead of a question.

7. “Let’s go out to dinner! / go shopping! / get manicures! / have a spa day! / etc.!”

Try to remember your friend DOESN’T HAVE AN INCOME. Unless the suggestion is immediately followed by, “My treat!” ~ be gentle with this one.

8. “My friend’s company is hiring. They do computer sales / dog walking / carpentry.”

When offering your unemployed friend work, consider their skills, talents, and, of course, what type of work they’re looking for. If your friend’s company is hiring software salespeople but your unemployed friend is a pastry chef, your offer isn’t doing either friend any favors.

9. “What did you get X and Y for their wedding?”

Even if it’s a super-casual conversation, and assuming your friend can even afford to go to X and Y’s wedding, don’t ask. Leave it up to them to offer any information about spending habits.

10. “So, what do you do all day?”

Your friend, if they are truly looking for a job, is looking for a job all day. Just like you are at work, they are also at work: revising their resume, writing cover letters, carefully crafting introductory emails, and budgeting out the remainder of their dwindling accounts. They are scouring Craigslist, Monster, Mediabistro (or fill-in-the-blank industry website). They are listening to positive thinking MP3s to avoid scratching their eyeballs out. They are wondering what to do next, when it will all change, and how. They are wondering why their employed friends are so clueless toward them. They are planning how to walk to the Financial District, to avoid paying $6 in MUNI and BART fees. They are busy! They’re just not getting paid for it.

BONUS: “How nice, you finally have time to spend with your kids / dogs / novel / Netflix account / etc.!”

Again, think first. YOU might think it’s nice not to work, but leave it up to your unemployed friend to tell you whether they’re enjoying their funemployment… or whether they would really appreciate it if you could write them a Linkedin recommendation, instead.

Well, I hope that helps. If nothing else, maybe I’ve been able to reach a few of you who teeter on the edge of speaking without thinking and/or who have lots of unemployed friends. One size, of course, never fits all, so take what works for you and your personality and leave the rest. And if you’re currently employed, I sincerely hope you get some joy out of how you spend your days. Thanks for playing!

Have you ever had someone make a comment that made you just scratch your head in wonder?

Have you ever been unemployed? What are some ways you’ve dealt with it?

 

 

 

This post was first published on Andrea Drugay's blog at http://www.andreadrugay.com/ and it is republished here with kind permission.

 

 

 

Photo credit source: flickr

Looking Ahead to World Laughter Day, First Sunday in May

 

 

Eating dark chocolate and salmon are fine ways to stay on top and in good spirits. Alternatively, Dr. Madan Kataria (Founder President, Laughter Yoga International) says:

 

When you laugh, you change and when you change the whole world changes around you.

  

World Laughter Day occurs annually on the first Sunday of May. Go via this link to find a "laughter event" in your area.

 

Or, take a look at these Morning Laughter Yoga exercises conducted by Sebastien Gendry, Director of the American School Of Laughter Yoga.

 

 

 

Photo source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/denube/751424843/

 

 

 

Photo Credit (top of post): flickr 

Being told how to suck eggs, est très bon - when told in a French accent

 

 

  

So there I was, attending the compulsory Job Services Australia Goal Setting and Interview training session, like the good compliant vegemite that I am. The duration was one and half days. However due to a scheduled vet check (for me and the dog) I was exempt from most of day one.
 

With the dog’s issues out of the way (but not mine), I reluctantly attended the course, prepared to be told the bl**ding obvious.  As a marathon, “mature” job seeker, I consider myself well-versed in the intricacies of job hunting, resume writing and interview technique.

 

What more could they tell me, other than perhaps – some subtle ways of offering potential employers cash bribes, extortion bids, or Belgian chocolates? - to cut through red-tape and gently influence them to just give me the job!

 

But oh the joy when our “teacher” walked in and introduced himself – as a midlife, French national. Thank goodness for that. Such a stroke of genius for Centrelink and Job-Services Australia  to employ someone so ooh la la to conduct the session. After all, being told how to suck eggs sounds so much better when delivered in a French accent.

 

I was the only attendee who’d recently gone to a job interview (last week) and so – just like in a primary school “show and tell” monsieur asked me (mais moi?!) to describe the experience to the rest of the class.

 

Unfortunately though, there wasn’t much to tell. As the interview panel had kept me waiting like Godot in reception, for more than half an hour. This gave me time to re-park my car (so glad about that), question the meaning of life, and consider whether I had enough time to pop out and get a botox, blow-dry, or maybe a French manicure?

It was just moments after helping a delivery man into the organization’s front entrance, with his load of boxes, that one of the interviewers emerged to farewell the previous candidate. However once I saw the tall, skinny, stiletto wearing, Megan Gale look-a-like - being ushered out – I knew already, that I didn’t have the job. Tough t*tties for me (pardonnez mon French).

Moving forward, and undaunted by the circumstances stacked against me, I pitched my skills and “story” to the interview panel - careful not to leave thumb imprints, or scratches on their uber polished, boardroom table. I so appreciate a high-gloss finish.

After they explained to me the interview was going to be “more of a chat” than anything else, I was doubly sure Megan got the role. But they complimented me on my “terrific sense of humour” before earnestly pushing me out the door.

  

As for monsieur’s tips:
 

1. Try to communicate to the interviewer that you are glad to meet them - through your handshake (But I did do the handshake?)

2. Comment on the beautiful surroundings, great atmosphere, or splendid artworks

3. Never say no - or answer in the negative - to any question

4. Be positive about all things and everyone (Even if an ex colleague was a flatulent axe-murderer - or had the potential to be one)

5. Don’t ever interrupt the interviewers - for any reason at all.

6. Take a lesson from well-mannered labradors, by always smiling, and maintaining a congenial empathetic attitude (That’s me! I’ve done more remedial dog training sessions than the average dog).

7. Instead of a heavy lunch – eat a chocolate bar – as apparently you burn off more fat that way (I love this lifestyle tip. But was that a hint?)

8. Makeup should look fresh and natural (But of course - I'm over false eyelashes anyway)

9. Don’t wear black - navy is better (But I love black? Can I mix the two?)

10. Shoes are often one of the first things that employers remember about an interviewee (Another excuse to shoeshop)

11. Leave nose, tongue and/or lip piercing bling at home (No disputes there)

12. Finally – when the interviewer says: “And now do you have any questions to ask?” – Only ask 2 questions – any more and you will bore them to death.

C’est la vie est bonne journée!
 

 
RELATED

More Mutual Obligations with Monsieur
 

The Trouble with Interviews

Colour-blocking, Mrs Slocombe and Other Retail Concepts

The Hazards of Faking It